Whenever I have to do something I don’t want to do, I know I have permission from you not to do it – unless the consequences are going to be crazy extreme. Like going to an interview for a job I never wanted in the first place, or hanging out with someone who I only said yes to because I felt guilty, or answering the phone/returning a text when I just don’t have the emotional capacity for doing so.
I also think about how you used to tell me that I could always use you as an excuse if I didn’t want to/couldn’t do something. That girl asks you to go to a wild party and you feel uncomfortable? Tell her that your mom says you can’t go. That place called you to interview but you’re second-guessing if you even want to work there? Tell them a family emergency came up and drop my name.
I’m finding that’s been happening a lot lately. People call me and I can’t call them back, or get out of bed to hang out with them. I’m trying to find a summer job but I’m so unmotivated because I know I have plenty of money to last me, and I’m not even going to be that much behind, even with moving in July (we got approved for the apartment and are signing the lease on Thursday!) – it’s like everything has converged to make it possible for me to heal – the car accident settlement, the disability checks, everything.
It’s like you’re still looking out for me, giving me permission to do what I want to do and not what I don’t want to do. And when I start feeling down or guilty or like a waste of space, I know you would tell me to just do what I want and what I feel, and not worry about what anybody else thinks. Which is hard when you lose friends because of it.
The people who have shown up for me are the people who are going to be in my life forever; I know that now. The people who’ve walked away – well, I can’t really say they are bad people, because everyone has their own shit happening – those are the people who I’m willing to let go. I think you would agree with me.
Today is Teacher Appreciation Day – so I appreciate you, Mom! I’m going to get myself Chipotle for lunch (it’s Buy One Get One for teachers today!) and spend the rest of the day watching movies and hanging out and messing around on the computer. I feel like I deserve that after all of the cleaning I did yesterday.
I love you a lot; I miss you more.